Man's best friend

A dog is not man's best friend. The Law is man's best friend. She enables strangers to conduct business without fear of getting beaten in the deal. She keeps ordinary citizens in line and lots of people employed. She allows us to hold onto our guns and sue others for grievances real or imaginary. Best of all, the Law lets us throw our enemies into jail and send aliens back to where they came from. (I can't stand aliens, they remind me of my effin grandparents. It’s embarrassing to remember the shit jobs they did. And the fact that they came here for the Law.)

The Law also says we can turn hoses on peaceful demonstrators if they start disrespecting her officers. If water pressure doesn't work we've got smoke-bombs and rubber bullets. The idea is to disperse the crowd. If you read your history, you know that a crowd can be dangerous. Authority knows how to use the Law to maintain Order. Authority also knows how to use the Law to maintain its Authority. Those two are like a royal couple.

The Law is not an easy friend, it takes many years of study to suss out all of her loopholes and inconsistencies so you can exploit them for all they're worth. That's another great thing about the Law: she grants you the right to exploit others with impunity, especially poor people who can't afford to be her friend. Like her cellmate Justice, she pretends to be blind. You know what I say -- the blinder the better. The Law likes money a lot. In fact, she will do almost anything for the right price. There aren't enough paper towels in the world to wipe off and absorb all the grease on her palms. But why should she be different than her human friends? They’re the ones who made her what she is.

There are a bunch of whiny libertarians out there who say that the Law is a meddlesome bitch, sticking her snout into places where she shouldn't go, like the bedroom and the family room. I say that the Law has the right to go wherever humans go -- after all, she is our best friend. Birth, sex, love, death -- she belongs there, with all kinds of opinions about what those things mean. Hell, she's no more ignorant than we are, so what's the problem?

The Law is happy with the state of the world -- ever since the death of god and the desacralization of love, she has been booking overtime on a regular basis. And her loyal officers have too. They’ve been climbing the money tree like monkeys and building themselves big tree houses. Every so often I kick myself for not studying the Law more closely, instead of falling for these useless novels we publish. Who knows? If I had, I might now be shacked up with her in a nice tree house somewhere in the jungle just like them.