Sunday, June 13, 2010

Our new CEO

1. "He does okay for somebody who doesn't read. I guess they brought him in because he's young and full of energy. We'll see how long it takes to get him up to speed on the marketplace. They say he's a quick study." He doesn't have a clue.

2. "He'll bring a fresh set of eyes to the organization."
He'll bring in all his own people.

3. "It's not intellect that counts, it's balls. And lemme tell you, his are made out of brass. You can hear them knocking when he comes into a room."
He's a heartless son-of-a-bitch.

4. "He's got a lot of charisma. And he handles himself well in public situations. We need someone who can be a spokesperson for the corporation."
He's got a really good full-time speaking coach.

5. "At least he doesn't take himself too seriously -- he's got a decent sense of humor. He was actually funny at the Christmas party."
He pretends to be self-deprecating because he's an applause junkie.

6. "For somebody who's not that articulate, he makes himself understood pretty well. He should be good at negotiating with suppliers."
People will think his long silences mean something.

7. "He knows systems."
He likes machines more than he does people. "And he's customer-focused." He won't make a decision until he consults our biggest accounts first.

8. "He doesn't beat around the bush. When you're dealing with an entrenched culture, you have to be direct and let the chips fall where they may. I think he'll be good for company."
He enjoys putting people down and tearing things apart.

9. "He knows it's better to be lucky than smart. That's why he gets paid the big bucks."
He's a gambler who makes too much money.

10. "It must be hard on his family, the hours he puts in and all the traveling he does. I don't envy him."
He's an abusive workaholic who can't stand being at home.

11. "At least he respects the company's history and he knows what we stand for."
He's good at paying lip service to the past.

12. "He knows how to keep the board happy. That's important."
He's loaded the board with cronies.

13. "They brought him in to turn this place around. His predecessor left a big mess to clean up."
He's really good at blaming those who left the company for all its troubles.

14. "He's tall and he dresses well. You could say he's handsome in a non-actorish sort of way."
He thinks he's a ladies man and hits on all the young assistants.

15. "I don't know -- I think he gets it. At least I hope he does. If not, we're all screwed."
We're all screwed.

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