Tuesday, July 7, 2009

A one day laydown

I got lots of leisure time to fill up, bein out of work and all, so I figgered I'd go down to the shopping center and do some window shoppin. You know, stick my snout up the arsehole of civilization and see if I could suss out the gold. Something other than Chinese shoes, Romanian tableware, Mexican teapots, you know, the usual shite. Maybe there'd be some novelty up there, something even a smart aleck like me could relate to, something sweet, as in ain't life sweet. And somehow I knew -- despite the 'free time' I got -- that today was Tuesday, which is when all the new shite goes on sale every week. It's done that way cause Wal-Mart needed a one-day laydown to jigger their logisitics to maximize efficiency. Down in the bunker, they made a bunch of calculations and determined that Tuesday was a real good day for a laydown -- gave trucks plenty of time to traverse the country with their palletfuls of plastic junk. Success is all about efficiency, poot. All the other big box retailers, of course, have done followed suit, even if they're not quite as efficient as the Beast from Bentonville. I mean, some of their distribution centers are gummier than pine tar. You know which ones.

Now everybody knows Tuesday's the day. Makes it easy to train employees and consumers, don't it, poot? Like Ogden's rabbits, we're made of habits. Dickie Dicer the Inventory Slicer taught me that one. Heh-heh.

In the old days, before the ops people started runnin the show, you could put anything on sale any old day of the week, you know, whenever the boxes showed up. You opened them and -- voila! -- the merchandise was ready to go. Ech! -- so effin inefficient. From a logistics point of view, from a planning perspective, purely a mess. The boys in the bunker, the ones with the software licenses, fixed the problem, so now we got ourselves a one-day laydown, every Tuesday, like clockwork. And everything runs smoother. It's more competitive this way, too -- I mean, everybody gets the goods at the same time, creatin a level playing field, so even the little independent retailer can get his chance at bat. Remember, poot, what's good for the big guy is even better for the little guy. At least, that's what the Free Market Boys've been sayin.

Now you know why I was so excited to get down to the shopping center today, Tuesday of all days, when those storefronts are fresh as daisies, with all them hot new items ready and waiting. I'm thinkin, hey, little fella, calm down.

I lit out for Riverdale -- they got everything there: Wal-Mart, Target, Lowe's, Home Depot, even a TGI Friday's for lunch. I wasn't carryin any cash -- who needs cash? Hell, who
has cash? Not me. This was purely a lark. The sun was out, the traffic glistened like a long silver turd, and some cat on the radio was screamin away. Gas was only $2.49 at Exxon and the breeze reeked of hot asphalt. They were fixing the road up ahead, gettin the country goin again. Lemme tell you, poot, it may not be easy livin in these hard times, but on Tuesdays I get a real shot at it.

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