Saturday, May 2, 2009

Foolkiller's coming

Okay. Yesterday, despite the occasional downpour and crowded roads, I went down to my local chain superstore. I was lookin for some super books at super prices. Uh-oh, I forgot -- they used to have super prices, but that was before the big recession, now it's all about margin. Okay, no super prices. But I bet they still have super books!

Here are some super books I found on the featured tables up front.

Donald Trump,
Think Like A Champion (Act like an ass.)
Tori Spelling,
Mommywood (Gimme me some oxygen, poot.)
Michael J. Fox,
Always Looking Up (Wasn't Mr. Lucky lucky enough?)
Kathie Lee Gifford,
Just When I Thought I'd Dropped My Last Egg (Geez, what an intriguing title!)
Bob Barker,
Priceless Memories (At first I thought it was a parody, but then I thought, who would be stupid enough to publish a parody of a Bob Barker memoir?)
Mary Tyler Moore,
Growing Up Again (Again?)
Marie Osmond,
Might As Well Laugh About It Now (What does the 'it' refer to? Her writing?)
Cloris Leachman,
Cloris (The cover is a terrific example of what you can do with Photoshop.)
Monica Seles,
Getting A Grip (On the celebrity book racket.)
Darryl Strawberry,
Straw: Finding My Way (Unspeakably pathetic.)
Marlee Matlin,
I'll Scream Later (I wish she couldn't write now.)
Debbie Phelps,
A Mother For All Seasons (Michael's book was a bomb, who signed this one up?)
Jaime Pressly,
It's Not Necessarily the Truth (I's just a small-town Southern girl.)
John Grogan,
Life is Like a Sailboat (Is he kidding? I thought life was like a lifeboat.)
Tom Bergeron,
I'm Hosting as Fast as I Can (This is not a joke -- there's a quote on the cover from Jenny McCarthy: "An inspirational book...proof that when you know who you are and what you want, you can accomplish anything.")

To top it off, the latest Victoria Beckham and Valerie Bertinelli titles had just
arrived in paperback. Like Venus on a half-shell. Hell, I shoulda brought an effin cigar.

I stood there, not twenty feet into the store, took a deep breath, turned around and skidaddled before some poor staff member could spy me. Leavin without a purchase, the retailer's bane. Foolkiller's comin. Publishing crud ain't just dopey, it's also wasteful, joyless, and bad for business. No backlist, no investment in the future, no room to display the quality titles that might actually sell. I thought to myself, maybe it's best if the whole industry falls apart. Once it croaks, the faithful remnant can start over from scratch.

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